Losing Love?
by XFoxMuldersGirlX
Summary: Scully contemplates her future. Can they save what might already be lost?


Hey guys! Its been a while, i know and I'm super sorry :((

This has been waiting to be published since before i went on holiday in August but I never got around to doing it, what with the packing and the shopping and what not... :) But I'm publishing it now because my beta-riffic Cam said it was good enough... We shall see :) Enjoy (or don't, but please don't hate me! LOL!)

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><p><span>Disclaimer: I own nothing :0( (only what happens to be in my imagination) All characters belong to Chris Carter. The song belongs to the wonderful Amy Winehouse. <span>

Losing Love?

She tried to concentrate on her task in hand: driving home from work. It was a simple thing to do. All she needed to do: get in the car and go home, yet it was the most difficult thing she had to do in such a long time. Because she wasn't going home. She had told him so. She didn't know where she was going but all she could think about was why it was so important to keep driving, to not stop: to keep going until she ran out of road. The world passed her by in a flurry of grey, green, white, brown and black: faceless images and inaudible sounds. She kept her gloved hands firmly on the steering wheel of her car and her eyes on the tarmac in front of her. Her ice blue eyes determined to stay tear free but misting slightly as her thoughts wandered, inevitably, to the reason she couldn't go home and their last words to each other.

She had meant what she said hadn't she? She was sure she did. But truthfully, she had hoped that he would argue with her, fight her: tell her to stay because he was going to give it all up for her. But the fact that he hadn't done any of it…? He let her leave and didn't stop her? She knew _what_ he was and she knew _who_ he was and she hadn't wanted to play the _If you love me _card, because his determination for finding the truth -be it _any _truth, was part of the reason of why she had fallen in love with him so many years earlier, and she hadn't wanted, _didn't_ want to try and change him…But getting him to make the choice was the only way she could see of getting him to open his eyes to what was in front of him… Or, more to the point, to make him see what he had forgotten was in front of him. Her. Stupidly, she thought that she was more important to him than a paedophile priest with a phoney "second sight" claim to fame. Obviously she was wrong. His work came first. Again. After all this time of not having to hide, run, fight, she had almost gotten used to having a "normal" life, the one she had always wanted, just to have it ripped from her grasp in an instant, by the one person she would have sworn would never have been so cruel. The same person who knew just how important having what everybody else had was to her. The one who swore that he would never hurt her, and he had done, more than she could verbalise.

All these thoughts were making her feel claustrophobic, they clouded in the inside of the car and were making her choke. Leaning over to press the window release, Her small pink fluffy, usually pale hand caught the stereo switch, making her jump at this sudden invasion of noise. Leaning forward again to switch the radio off, she stopped mid action and sat back in her seat - as the cool air came rushing into the car, whipping her auburn hair around her face, she figured that the music might be a welcome distraction, a well deserved break from what was going on inside her head. She let the radio sing. After a while all the music just blurred and it was difficult to differentiate one song from another, lyrics mingled and melodies melted into their predecessors. Where did one song ended and the next began? Ask her and she wouldn't be able to tell you. Her mind had wandered back to dangerous territory, back into the jungle that was her romantic history with the man that had broken her heart so many times and in so many different ways. She was sure that she wasn't over-reacting when she told him she wasn't coming home. She needed him to realise just what this was doing to her…what it was doing, or what it would eventually be doing to _them_ if he didn't do something about it. Her face crumpled with heartbreak that was being purposely being held back as she thought about the reality of the situation that she found herself in… Was he in just as much pain? Was he thinking the exact same thoughts? Was he regretting letting her walk out of his life?

One song suddenly pulled her back from these dangerous thoughts. It spoke directly to her soul, as though it was written specifically for her and her pain. There was so much truth in the words that were coming out of her speakers. The voice was heartbroken and soulful and talking directly, it seemed, to her. The girl singing the song had obviously been through a hell of a lot and was being brutally honest with herself and the world by baring her soul as brazenly as she was doing: telling her about her pain and how she knew what she was going through…

_Though late, I'm rather blind_

_Love is a fate resigned._

_Memories mar my mind_

_Love is a fate resigned._

_Over futile odds, and laughed at by the Gods_

_And now the final frame:_

_Love is a losing game._

It was dangerous for her to keep driving now. The tears that were now flowing in rivers down her face were blinding her: she had to pull over and stop the car. She sobbed at the steering wheel crying out all the pain and hurt that she had held back, praying that they would never have to see the light of day. But her efforts to keep her perfectly constructed mask in place were indeed futile. There was no point in trying to make the situation she was in anything other than less than painful. She didn't want to leave him and each second that sped her away from him tore a piece of her heart from her chest and left it on the side of the road for him to find if he were to look for it. But why would he? He had let her go. Had he wanted this all along? Had he wanted her to leave? All she wanted to do was turn the car around, drive home, kiss him, tell him that she was stupid and have him tell her that he loved her… But she couldn't do that. As much as she wanted him to, it wasn't the right thing to do. He needed to know that this was killing her, slowly but surely, his obsessions were suffocating her to death, so the last thing she needed was to go back to her murderer.

Love indeed was a losing game: She could feel it slipping away from her like sand down to the bottom of an hour glass, each grain, a moment in time: a second, a minute, an hour?: If she left, then she left him and what they had and she knew that she would never find that kind of a connection ever again, that forever-binding tie that had woven them so completely together that she knew that she would never really be free of him, no matter how far she ran…But, if she stayed then she still lost: her moral integrity was forever damaged. She would be lying to herself and to God, if she were to stay and live a life that was a lie. It was not what she wanted: to take a back seat to the darkness and the conspiracies'. She wanted to love and to be loved in return and while he was still chasing fairytales in the dark that was never going to be a fully viable option. But it hadn't been an easy decision to make. It was the worst thing she had ever had to do in her life, telling the man she loved that she was leaving him…

As she dissected her choices in minute detail, the agony she was in was unbearable. She felt as though her lungs had been punctured, every breath she tried to take caused her to go dizzy with pain. Her head ached and her very heart felt as though it were being ripped out of her chest and she could feel her life force draining from her with every moment that passed. She had been through her fair share of traumatic and hurtful experiences in her time…but this? None of them hurt like this. Even with the pain and heartbreak she was suffering, she felt numb, dead even. It was almost as though she where being punished for falling in love. As though the act of loving someone was her one way ticket into a world of Hellfire and Brimstone. She couldn't escape the pain no matter which choice she made. Right choice or wrong, she was doomed to suffer unimaginable torture. Yet hearing that song on the radio was some sort of release for her, it had tripped the ON switch in her brain and caused a flood. As all her pent up emotions started to calm themselves down and her tears turned into dry sobs, she turned the radio off and wound the window back up, now hating the sounds of the world outside, and just sat waiting patiently for her body to stop convulsing. Even with the turmoil raging within, she thought herself surprisingly calm . No decision had she reached yet, but with trembling fingers, she switched the ignition on and turned the car around and started driving back the way she came.

If she stayed in the car, if she didn't stop, then she would eventually deal with the loss and the hurt and the pain enough to hopefully one day heal enough to get back to having the normal life she had gotten used to living…

BUT.

If she went back home they were going to have to have some serious issues to work through. If they worked their problems out then they would still have to take things very slowly, one step at a time, no rushing to get things back to the way they were before. And if they didn't work out? Well, as the song said "Love is a losing game", and it was a game that she had never really known how to play very well anyway, one that she had been expecting to lose at some point, some day. She knew that she would only ever be surprised at how long love had let her "win". Breaking up would be painful and hard, but they would be okay…eventually, wouldn't they?

But who's to say what games the future holds?

She knew, as she kept her eyes on the horizon that only time would tell if they won or lost at this particular game though…

The End


End file.
